I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
