Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
