insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
