dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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