The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
