Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
