i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
