girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
