this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
