i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
