What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
