I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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