I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
