woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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