my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's never too late to be topless.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
