i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
