please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
