Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
