Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
