Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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