she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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