Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize