if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
