I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
