Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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