Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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