Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
