I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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