dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
