My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When are your genitals available?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
