LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
