if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
