It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
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Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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