I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
