how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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