I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
