I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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