Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
