Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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