it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
