i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
