so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
