The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
