smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
