You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
