it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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