please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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