I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
