I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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