I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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