my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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