Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
