Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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